My most personal post

Tyson and I have always known we wanted kids, eventually. At this time of our lives, we are too busy traveling, and living life a little differently than we would if we had a child. But sometimes, things don't always happen when you want them to. It isn't all about what we want, or when we want it. Sometimes, things happen for a reason, and they make you realize what you thought you wanted wasn't really what you wanted after all.

November 17, 2014

It's Ty's birthday. He hates the attention, but I love giving it to him. We had a few things planned. Starting with the gym, grocery store and relaxing around the house, possibly a movie before heading to dinner with his family and the whole family coming to our house for cake and ice cream. We went to the gym, then to the grocery store. My boobs had been hurting for a few days and I realized I hadn't started my cycle yet. I checked my calendar. Hmm... So, we grabbed a test while we were out.

Now, needless to say, I have NEVER in my life taken a pregnancy test. I had to fully read the instructions on the box before squatting. Before I could put the cap on, I saw the results.

"TY!"

I believe 'Oh sh*%' were the exact words that came out of his mouth. I didn't even have to say it, he already knew.

The test was positive. I started to cry thinking my life was over. This was something we knew we wanted eventually, but we didn't expect eventually to be today. Tyson was the strong one. As in shock as we were, we now had to face the family and put on a fake face, not allowing them to know what we just found out until we were in the 'safe' zone.

Happy Birthday Ty, haha.

My Family: I'm second to youngest of 7 children, and the last to get married and start a family. You can imagine how eager my parents and siblings are for us to start our family, so the pressure is ALWAYS on.

Ty's Family: He's the oldest. No grandkids in his family so far; we will be the first. The boys are getting older, and I can't help but feel the want and need for littles running around.

November 19, 2014

I headed in to the doctor to take a blood test to ensure we were pregnant. The doctor called on Friday, and let us know, yes, you are most definitely pregnant. So I made my appointment for my first prenatal appointment with my OB. December 15.

That one month couldn't be any longer than it was. We were getting so excited for our baby. Our family was starting. Right before our appointment, my family went to Florida for our Christmas present. Tyson and one of my brothers couldn't fly in until that Saturday, so I had to travel with my secret alone. You would have thought my family would have been tipped off by the fact my husband packed pickles for me for the flight, but then again, I've always LOVED pickles so they probably didn't think anything of it.

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Our flight was relatively early. Tyson dropped my family (the smaller, consisting of my mom, dad, and Kenz) at the airport, and we met everyone else there. While on the flight, Tykee turned to me and said 'When are you going to have a baby'. REALLY? I wanted soo badly to tell him soon, but I knew we weren't quite out of the safe zone yet (7 weeks along), and wanted to have my first appointment before announcing it to the family.

Friday, December 5, 2014

We decided to go to Universal Studios that day. Before leaving, I ran to the restroom, (as I had already gone three times that morning.. the joy of pregnancy) and noticed something unusual, and my boobs stopped hurting. Now, I can't ask family about their symptoms, so I called my doctor. The nurse mentioned I was good as long as nothing was red.  If you know me, you know I LOVE roller coasters and rides. But, as a preggo, I was afraid to ride. If I didn't ride, my family would know. So, I decided to pull the 'headache' card, which got me out of a lot of rides. I had done some research previously, and honestly, until you are showing, no roller coaster is going to hurt your baby. But that's all a personal choice.

Saturday, December 6, 2014

Yay! Tyson was coming today! I was soo excited. I woke up and had a terrible feeling. I ran to the restroom and there it was. Blood. I tried contacting my husband but his phone was off due to travel. With no other choice, I ran to my mom's condo, knocked on her door. With tears in my eyes, I said 'I think I'm miscarrying'.

At that point I had no idea how much this baby meant to me. Tyson and I had talked about baby names, the fact that we would have to clear out a room for a nursery, and wondered what the baby's gender would be. In the end, we agreed we didn't care, as long as we had a healthy child with 10 fingers and 10 toes, 2 eyes and a nose. Perfect ears and a sweet little cry.

Of coarse this all happened on a Saturday, while I was out of town, in the beginning of my family vacation, without my husband. Could I have worse luck? My mom told my sister, and we decided I wasn't bleeding bad enough for it to be a miscarriage and that it was probably implantation bleeding which can happen when the baby is implanting itself into your uterus. I finally got a hold of my husband, and he said he would get there as soon as possible, but he could tell I was worried. I decided to go down to the pool with my family. After all, if I was going to be bed-ridden I might as well do it by the pool. My mom drove a group of us over, and we got all settled by the pool. Tykee and Gianna were playing together, the older ones were laying by the pool attempting for a tan, and I was there reading my book, taking it all in. A sudden pain came over me after about 30 minutes, and I called my mom to pick me up. I began walking to the car, and my whole body got a hot flash. I left out the gate, and my vision went white, and the pain was so excruciating, I couldn't walk. I fell to the floor, unable to sit up. I called my sister who was also at the pool, and her and her husband came to my aide. Jason carried me to the car, while Nicole and my mom decided what to do with me. I didn't want to go to the hospital, or the doctor. I just wanted my husband.

A few of my sisters have recently been through miscarriages (when I say recent, I mean within the past 10 years). One was told the only thing they can do is give you Ibuprofen and rest. So, my mom gave me 1 ibuprofen 800 as my sisters began calling any and every doctor we knew for help. By that time, the news of the baby had reached all adults that were with us at the time. I stayed in bed the rest of the day, and at the end of the day, my husband was there.

We tried to enjoy the rest of our vacation, but to be honest, it was hard to concentrate on anything but the baby and its outcome. I continued to bleed and it was very different than a period. All we could do at that point was wait.

December 15, 2014

Appointment day. Finally. The past week and a half had been one heck of a roller coaster and all I wanted was to see my baby's heartbeat. Tyson stayed home from work that day in hopes of supporting me the best way possible. After being weighed, checking my blood pressure, the paperwork, and congratulating me, we finally headed to the exam room and waited for my doctor. He came in, congratulating us. He asked if we had any questions or comments and when we told him I had been bleeding, his response was unnerving.

'oh boy'. This isn't something you want to hear when your just hoping everything is ok. The past week and a half was soo emotional, I didn't know if I could face what I thought would come in the next 5 minutes. We did an ultrasound, and he couldn't find anything. He said that's normal, especially for your first pregnancy, so he suggested a vaginal ultrasound.

...

...

Nothing. No heartbeat. Not even a sac! He said it was definitely a miscarriage and I had already passed the fetus. He apologized for our loss, said he wanted some blood samples, and quickly left the room.

Everything changed in that 2 minutes. I was no longer going to be a mom in July. I was no longer going to be decorating a nursery, or finding a fun way to announce my pregnancy to friends and family. I would no longer make my monthly appearance at the doctor's office for my monthly checkup. I would no longer need to read 'What to Expect When You're Expecting'. Tyson would no longer be a daddy in 7 short months. He wouldn't have to worry about midnight cravings, moodswings, or reading books about being a good dad. We didn't have to worry about signing up for a family insurance plan, because it was just he and I. We were devastated.

The past month and a half have been hard. I've had friends announce their pregnancy, have their babies. I've talked with clients during their pregnancies, and heard the excitement in their voices as they talk about their baby kicking for the first time, the nursery, their hopes and fears for the child, and the names they're debating on. I'm not writing this post to guilt others in their family accomplishments. I am so happy for each and every one of them for their exciting news, and life changing events that have taken place with their family. I wish them the best with their sweet littles and know they will all be incredible parents.

In my experience I have learned a few things.

| It's okay to cry |

| It's okay to feel empty |

| It's okay to distance yourself |

| It's okay to be mad |

| It's okay to move forward |

| It's okay to smile |

| It's okay to build your relationship with your husband |

| It's okay to remember |

I will never forget my experience. Tyson and I have grown so much as a couple in the past 3 months and I wouldn't change that for the world. I believe things happen for a reason. We all have different trials. I am so grateful for the gospel and the knowledge that families are forever. I know I will be able to raise that baby in the here-after. And I know, when its time, Tyson and I will have an amazing, dysfunctional, high-energy family that will make us want to pull our hair out and move far away.

Until then, we will travel our little hearts out.