3 long years

In the past week, 6 friends have announced their pregnancy. Although I am so ecstatic for each and every one of them, I can't help but feel a deep longing for one of my own.

It's been 2 years, 11 months, and 18 days since the day we found out we were pregnant. It wasn't planned, but we were excited. Obviously the pregnancy wasn't successful, and we've been trying for a baby ever since.

Three years. Three long years of no positive pregnancy test and no baby. Three years goes so slow when you're younger, but when you grow up, time seems to speed up. Except for when you actually want something to happen that you have no control over. I've watched month after month of my cycle coming and going. I've tracked my fertile times, I've cleaned up my diet (even more than I had previous). At this point I can't help but wonder why? So many friends and family members are able to  conceive so easily.

A close family member made the decision to become a surrogate for a couple in Spain. They don't have any children. At first, when I heard her decision, I was angry. In fact, I was angry for the entire pregnancy. How could she be so selfish? She already has children of her own.  She's already been pregnant. She's doing it for attention. How was she going to explain this to her children? I've been counting down the days to when the baby was due so I didn't have to see the pregnant belly several times a week that served as a reminder to me that I just wasn't good enough.

The baby came. I still had remorse toward that family member UNTIL yesterday. The family of the new baby came for dinner. I thought it was weird my family member was inviting the surrogate family for dinner. They walked in with the baby in her stroller. The kids ran over to greet their... surrogate sibling? I don't really know how to refer to them. But then I saw the parents' face. They were the happiest people on earth. They were given the gift of a child. A human. A baby with their DNA that someone so selflessly carried for this couple. My heart immediately softened. My family member dedicated a year of her life to help give this couple a family. I watched the family so graciously share their new addition with my family - allowing each child to hold the tiny creature their mom grew for 9 months. I watched as their eyes lit up to see such a little thing that made these strangers so happy.

Before leaving, I had a chance to hold the most perfect being. She smelled like heaven. My heart ached as I held her and couldn't help but wonder when it would be my turn to hold a perfect being that was mine.

I know my day will come. I know the Lord has a plan for all of us.

For now, the next time you see someone that doesn't have children. Or maybe they do but they're struggling to conceive for the next one. Just love them. Let them know they are special and important, regardless of being a mother/father.

XOXO