January 23

It never ceases to amaze me how much can change in one year. I've debated on sharing my experience, but maybe it will bring peace to someone that is also struggling. 

Most people we know aren't aware, but in December 2017, we found out we were pregnant again. We were extremely excited and the symptoms came on quick. I spent Christmas Eve and Christmas in bed with morning sickness which was more than what I had on my previous pregnancy so I felt pretty confident this one would stick. Our first doctor's appointment was on January 2, 2018. He found the fetus but said we may have miscalculated the conception date because it was smaller than what it should have been. He offered to have us come back in two weeks to double check and give us peace of mind. 

January 16 

We went back and heard the words anyone expecting dreads - I'm sorry, your baby hasn't grown and there isn't a heartbeat. We were crushed once again. Our doctor gave us some time and then came back to discuss the options. They called it a missed miscarriage because my body hadn't recognized the death of the fetus and was still showing symptoms of pregnancy. After much discussion, we decided a D & C would be the best solution and a clean slate. We notified our parents and scheduled the surgery. 

January 23 

The day of surgery. Up until this day, I had symptoms. I had the feelings and thoughts of still being pregnant. I had hopes of checking just one last time if the baby had grown and by some miracle, it would survive. However, hopes are not reality. We went forward with the surgery as there was nothing else we could do. I left the hospital that day feeling depressed and empty. I, once again, felt incapable of carrying a baby and like my time would never come for me to be a mom. 

Moving on 

This time, I felt empowered to take hold of my life and continue living instead of dwelling on the things I couldn't control. Life happens. Sometimes you don't have control of the things you want and sometimes it isn't in your timing that things happen. Ty and I made a decision to live our life to the fullest and started our travel vlog on YouTube as a way to fill the void until it was our time.  We began making plans for our travels that year, but someone else had other plans for us. 

My time 

We found out in April we were expecting, for a third time. We kept it as quiet as possible but my symptoms were so extreme, there was no hiding it from our parents. But this time, the pregnancy stuck. The baby grew. And it was finally my turn. 

January 23

I often have to pinch myself as I stare at our little baby girl. The most precious thing we've ever seen was actually ours. I look back on the year and the heartaches we've endured. The pain of seeing social media posts about friends announcing their pregnancy, posting their families. It was one of the hardest things for me to experience. But as I sit here writing, sitting next to Ty holding our little miracle, I can't help but feel extremely grateful for the hardships and experiences we've endured to get our miracle here. 

For those of you struggling. Be patient. Find your purpose. Focus on you. Grow your relationship with your spouse. Your time will come. 

XOXO

The Lands